Upon My Soul, The Night Has Fallen Dark

The last eight months have been a time of searching and growing. I have examined my soul, forced to finally face those darkly rooted areas that I thought I could avoid. Through the help of friends and an incredible amount of God's grace, I have learned to see not only my weakness but also what is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy. In light of this, I wrote the following poem and wanted to share it.

So for anyone else who feels that their soul has fallen into unbearable darkness, know that there is light available to you and remember that you will yet rise

Upon my soul, the night has fallen dark,
Without the blessed stars or guard'an moon,
Without the hope of song by speckled lark
Or even mournful requiem by loon.
Instead, in darkness, the utter silent void,
Harangued by condemnation self-applied,
My soul's abused, like mouse by cat is toyed,
And finds there only ash in which to hide.
Alight, my soul; arise on phoenix wings!
You need not stay beneath the ashen heap.
Sometimes we die to see what freedom brings
To life renewed but first must take that leap.
Refining fire awaits to gird your flight,
To give you strength to banish this dark night.

Why So Silent, Good Monsieurs?

As the words of Phantom of the Opera beautifully state, I wanted to explain the lack of posts. Well, greater than usual lack of posts. Especially since I started off this year saying that I would post something every week, which I must admit I have not done very well.

Here goes . . .

I've let go of my dream of writing a book.

Phew. There, I've said it aloud. Well, cyber-ally (if that's a word) anyway.

Now I should explain the connection to less posts and the releasing of my dream since I realize that the connection may not be as obvious as it is to myself. About two months ago, I was discussing with my counselor what I would do with myself if I could do anything at all. Almost immediately I answered that I would write a book. She asked why and it took me a while to come up with an answer. When I finally did, which took some further questioning and thinking, I realized that I wanted to write one to prove that I could. This was a revelation to me and I thought a very poor reason to want to accomplish something. This is not to say that wanting to do something to prove that you can is always a bad reason, but as a reason to do something that you profess to love for its own sake, it's a bad reason. So I decided that writing a book was something that I needed to let go of and, after saying aloud that I let go of this particular dream, I started crying. When my counselor asked me why, the first things that came to me were sadness, which is natural after a loss, and relief, which it took longer for me to understand. After some assigned reflection, I realized that I had made the completion of a book my standard of my writing ability. In other words, if I couldn't write a book, I wasn't a good writer in my own mind. After years of people saying how much they liked my works and that I should write a book one day, I had taken it too much to heart. I had made this someday-book an idol and chain in my soul, and upon its release, my heart felt relief.

Hopefully now, the whole lack of posts/writing a book dream correlation makes a little more sense.

Since then, I haven't really written much at all. Some of my more discerning readers may see the connection to my previous post and the dream release. That was written a few weeks later, if memory serves well, which it only does on occasion. It's been funny because I thought I would miss it much more than I actually do. Right after this time, I began painting a lot more (which is a hobby I took up almost a year ago now, sheesh). Only recently have I again felt the muse's pull to write again. Which I may or may not do, though I'm thinking I may.

All this to say, that is why I haven't been posting as much and that I sincerely apologize to anyone who has been thinking I've fallen off the face of the earth or anything of that sort. I haven't but I have been trying to explore some new horizons. So there may yet be more postings of stories and musings in the future but I'm not going to be so concerned about making definitely sure they come about.